Cultivating the Courageous Heart through Fierce Self-Compassion

July 3, 2024

In self-compassion practice, we are invited to cultivate the ability to kindly accompany ourselves in our lived experience.  We learn to walk alongside ourselves like a good friend.  This can be challenging.  Many of us have years of being in relationship with ourselves in a critical, judgmental or evaluative way.  This inner critic might be the internalized voice of someone in our lives – a parent, a caregiver, a coach, a teacher.  Or it could be cultural messaging about some dimension of our identity.  Developing an inner compassionate voice often involves intense releasing and rewiring of our inner habit patterning in our relationship with ourselves.

Kristen Neff offers a recipe for self-compassion with 3 ingredients:  1) Mindfulness – a balanced awareness in which we don’t ignore what is happening, but also don’t get lost in the drama.  2) Common Humanity – that sense of belonging that can come through the recognition that difficulty, pain, suffering is not a mistake but is part of this human experience, helping to soften the all too common sense of isolation that can arise in our moments of difficulty.  3)  Kindness – A perhaps obvious, but essential, ingredient which counters the inner critic.

We often focus on the tender side of self-compassion, the nurturing flavor of that allows us to be with pain and imperfection in a gentle, warm supportive way.  And, sometimes, what we really need to heal is to take action.  We may need what is known as fierce self-compassion.  This flavor of kindness is expressed when we protect ourselves, provide for ourselves, or motivate ourselves to change our behavior or circumstances if or when we can.   Kristen Neff likens tender self-compassion as “mothering energy” and fierce self-compassion as “mama bear energy.”  I like to think of tender compassion as the one who holds and rocks the baby, singing it a lullaby.  And fierce compassion as the one who stands on its hind legs and says “don’t mess with my cubs!”  These energies are gender neutral, and unrelated to whether you are an actual parent – we can all access these soft and strong energies of heart that are pulled to comfort and protect.  These two flavors are essential to our well-being and our wholeness.  And both can be cultivated.  Often the questions What works for me?  What do I need right now?  What would help alleviate my suffering? help us identify whether to reach for fierce or tender compassion.

These times we are living in, in which systems – political, social, financial, ecological – are breaking down, and human well-being and survival is precarious – needs calm, courageous, and caring hearts that can remain open and engaged.  The balance of strong empowered clarity (fierce compassion) and loving connected presence (tender compassion) are integrated into a flexible responsive heart.  This cultivation of both tender and fierce self-compassion supports a regulated and resourced nervous system enabling us to contribute to collective healing and change.

Lately I have been particularly interested in the flavor of fierce compassion as it is often less familiar to many people.  The different expressions of fierce compassion include 1)  Protecting – drawing boundaries when appropriate and the ability to say no.  2) Providing – involves including ourselves in the circle of care and the recognition that we are worthy and our needs matter and are worth saying yes to.  3) Motivating – the energy to make changes where we can.

Fierce self-compassion can be as uncomfortable and as unfamiliar as tender compassion.  Some ways to begin accessing a felt sense of strong empowered clarity include:

1)  A strong body posture – a solid stance, like that expressed in goddess pose in yoga or horse stance in tai chi – feet hip width apart, knees soft.  A stance where you feel yourself rooted into the ground, but still have the capacity to move freely, responding to what is at hand.  Sometimes I play with imagining my body as a tree, with deep roots down through the soles of my feet, drawing strength from the solidity of the earth.  Trees are rooted, and also have the ability to bend and sway in the wind.

2)  A gesture of strength – often in tender self-compassion we are invited to place a hand over the heart to invoke care.  In fierce self-compassion, we can explore placing a fist over the heart to evoke a sense of strength or solidarity.

3)  Words of strength – Finding words of encouragement of affirmation – e.g. you go girl, you got this, your needs matter.  Sometimes we can find these words by imagining what would we say to a friend or a child who was being picked on who we wanted to invite into their own strength and power and wholeness…and then offering these words of fierce care to ourselves.

4)  Internal alignment – sometimes we are in situations where we are not able to effect external change.  But we can change the stance of our heart.  In such circumstances, an internal alignment that holds a strong internal boundary and knows our own value, dignity and worth can make a difference.  We may still have to engage with that difficult boss, but we can talk to and support ourselves with fierce compassion – “this situation is unfair and you deserve to be treated with respect.”  And we can bring in some tender compassion to care for the part that is suffering because of this – “This is painful.  It is so hard to have an unsupportive boss.  I’m here with you.”  We can accompany ourselves with strength and care.

As we grow our capacity to be both fierce and tender with our own heart, we expand our capacity to be both strong and kind with the world.  Rather than getting lost in reactivity or complacency, we can courageously and clearly see the pain in the world.  We can then bring genuine active caring to suffering, without dipping into pity which places a protective buffer around the heart instead of touching our shared vulnerability.  And instead of taking either a stance of us versus them or we are all the same, we can discern the circumstances that contribute to inequity and injustice, and work to change the status quo.

I invite you to explore these flavors of self-compassion and to inquire into what does my heart need right now?  I wish you a sense of rootedness in these unsteady times so that you can remain both grounded and engaged.

 

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The Gift of Community

March 1, 2024

There is a beautiful practice in Buddhism of taking refuge in what is known as the Triple Jewel – the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. Taking refuge in the Buddha involves either a recognition and honoring of the historical Buddha as an inspiring teacher and guide, or an honoring of the goodness – the Buddha nature – that is alive in each one of us. Taking refuge in the Dharma is resting into the support offered by the wisdom teachings or opening to the wisdom that is available in each moment of lived experience. Taking refuge in the Sangha is appreciating the gift offered by companionship and community with like hearted individuals.

Lately, I have been appreciating the many circles of spiritual friends who have offered support over the years. Sangha spaces are where I have learned to inquire more deeply into my meditation practice, where my moral and ethical compass has been developed and refined, where my courage and capacity to bring practice off the cushion and into the world have grown. We can find sangha with one other person or being, or within intimate groups or larger gatherings. Sangha can help us align with our values, inspire us to grow, and encourage us to keep going.

Where do you feel a sense of belonging? Who or what holds you? How do your communities help you stay aligned with your values and intentions? Are there any ways in which you would like to cultivate a richer sense of connection and sangha?

Wishing you a gentle flow into spring.

 

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Intention as a Path to Engagement

January 4, 2024

New Year’s often inspires resolutions for new beginnings and personal transformation.  This process of setting resolutions can take on a flavor of what Australian meditation teacher Bob Sharples calls “the subtle aggression of self-improvement.” For many of us the aggression may not be so subtle.  We can hold our resolutions with a forcefulness that may turn a desire for growth or personal development or a better world into a way to bludgeon ourselves with self-criticism and a sense of inadequacy.  Resolutions tend to be more goal oriented, specific and temporal in nature (This year I want to exercise more.  Or lose weight.  Or to limit my carbon footprint.)

In contrast, the practice of cultivating intentions can often feel broader, more longstanding and foundational.  An intention might be thought of as the compass bearing that guides us through our days.  It is not a goal or a fixed destination, but is inspired by and connected to our deepest values (whatever those may be – love, fairness, honesty, community, connection, loyalty) and helps keep us true to our path.

I’ve been reflecting on the power of intentions in light of the individual challenges and wounding we each carry and the collective challenges and wounding and the many flavors of divisiveness and polarization that are present in our country and the world right now.  The ways we are engaged in us/them thinking and behavior is giving rise to immeasurable suffering.  It can feel daunting to bridge these great divides – between nations, political parties, urban and rural regions, family members, and even the divides in our own heart.

When there is so much conflict, strong emotions and long histories of harm connected to the divides, there can be a sense of not knowing where to begin or what to say.  Yet silence can also bring pain.  The Buddhist teachings on non-harming and wise speech invite communicating in ways that are timely, truthful, useful and kind and taking action that alleviates suffering and fosters the well-being of all.  American writer, advocate, and motivational speaker Suleika Jaouad shares “I’ve been meditating on how to use my voice in a way that is helpful—that illuminates and supports rather than confusing things, that promotes peace rather than sowing discord, that reinforces our common humanity rather than pushing us farther apart.”  How might listening and speaking with respect and a genuine curiosity help us bridge the divides in our lives and in our world?  How might this inform wise action?

I keep asking myself how can I lean into the suffering of the world – how can I best contribute to more peace, ease and freedom?  Compassion literally means to suffer together – but true compassion includes a desire to help.  One person cannot respond to all the suffering in the world.  But each person responding to the suffering that touches their heart in some small way adds up to a world that contains less suffering and fosters more well-being.

In times when there is so much need, I turn toward stories of communicating and connecting across the divide to give me inspiration and courage.  Many years ago, I remember hearing Ann Atwater, a Black Civil Rights activist, speak after a screening of the documentary An Unlikely Friendship, that told the story of Ann and C.P. Ellis, the Exalted Grand Cyclops of the KKK and segregationist and how they found themselves on opposite sides of the question of school integration in Durham NC in 1971.  They were elected to co-facilitate a Charette (an intense 10-day community meeting process) to help the community avoid violence and to ensure peaceful integration.  Through listening to each other and understanding each other and working together Atwater and Ellis came to know each other as individuals instead of as stereotypes.  In describing this journey, C.P. noted “Here we are, two people from the far end of the fence, having identical problems, except her being black and me being white…The amazing thing about it, her and I, up to that point, [had] cussed each other, bawled each other, we hated each other. Up to that point, we didn’t know each other. We didn’t know we had things in common.”  The two formed a lasting friendship that continued for the rest of their lives, with Ann delivering the eulogy at C.P.’s funeral in 2005.

What characterizes the world you wish to live in?  Kindness?  Peace?  Respect?  Understanding?  Collaboration?  Justice?  Generosity?  Simplicity?  Activism?  Let yourself take time to sit quietly and listen to your own heart.  How can you contribute to the cultivation of such a world?  How and where might you gift your time, energy, voice, talents and capacities in the service of more well-being in the world?  What is calling for more clarity, compassion or courage within your heart to support you in taking action?  What intention might serve as a north star for you this year? – that you can come home to when you find yourself lost in a fog of fear, bogged down in busyness, or derailed by distraction.  Let an intention reveal itself to you over time and let it be a light in dark moments.  Just as when a sailor heads out to sea and encounters unexpected obstacles…shallows, coral reefs, a storm…and they use their compass to get back on course…your intention becomes a place to return to again and again (at the start of a new year or in the next breath) when you find you are not living in alignment with your values.  Even when you get lost, your intention is still there, in a similar way that the breath is still there, even when your mind wanders.  You can begin again – you can come home in any moment.

I wish you peace in the New Year and hope our paths may cross in 2024 (some offerings and invitations below).

My wishes for you and all beings this coming year…

May all beings be safe and protected
May all beings have peaceful loving hearts
May all beings know the blessing of belonging
May all beings be free from suffering
May all beings live with ease and joy
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Practicing with a Sit Spot

August 19, 2023

Teachers of wisdom abound in this world.  Sometimes they show up as a two-year-old, face alive with wonder as they watch a bug crossing the sidewalk.  Sometimes they appear in the more than human world.  About a month ago, I had the blessing to spend a week in the presence of an old-growth cedar estimated to be more than 1000 years old.  Upon approaching this elder, one felt its strength and steadiness in the massive trunk and the expansive canopy.  It’s real teaching was revealed as one walked around the tree to bear witness to the cavern burned out of its trunk untold years ago by a lightning strike – the embodiment of resilience and an example of beauty and brokenness literally living side by side.  My spirit felt inspired and comforted by this example of thriving through devastation – and I found myself drawn to just sitting quietly near this elder each day, bringing along my questions, fears, tears, and joys.

One of my favorite practices is finding a “sit spot” – a place in the more than human world that I visit regularly – it might be gazing out the window at the same spot in the yard every day, a corner of the garden, a special tree, a neighborhood park or a rock near the bend in the creek on a beloved trail.   I have several sit spots that I have connected with over many years.  With each visit, I sit quietly, sometimes for just a few minutes, sometimes an hour – and I drink in the sounds, sights, smells and sensations that are present and how they change at different times of day, and through the flow of seasons.  I have become acquainted with the creatures – large and small (toads, birds, insects, trees, wildflowers, squirrels) – who call this corner of the world home.   I have watched new life sprout and have watched old friends die.  I have visited in times when life was difficult, the familiarity of my sit spot offering a sense of comfort.  And in times of ease, the heart able to rest and roam freely in the spaciousness of the setting.

The more than human world can offer us a deep sense of belonging, reminding us of our place in the larger web of life.  It can be a source of comfort and resourcing, holding us in times of distress or loss.  And it can help fill our reservoir of well-being with moments of beauty, delight and joy.  In particular, the gift of being in relationship with a place or being in the more than human world over a period of time can be transformative, offering lessons on how to live in this world.

You might explore practicing with a sit spot in the coming months.  Your next teacher might be the birds outside your window, the houseplant on your desk or the ponderosa pine on your next hike.  See what you discover as you cultivate a relationship with a corner of the living world that speaks to you.  Notice what it might teach you about change, patience, love, loss, acceptance or awe.

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Befriending Difficult Moments

July 8, 2023

I was sitting this week with someone who was trying to metabolize the difficult news of a new diagnosis.  In these moments, there is no rushing the process of acceptance.  There is no shortcut to equanimity.  A sense of bewilderment can arise when something difficult unfolds – on a personal scale (like a diagnosis) or a larger scale (like the fires burning in Canada or the ongoing war in the Ukraine).  The mind often can’t take in what is right before it, and needs time and space and patience to acclimate.  I had an experience a while ago which was kind of silly but it reminded me of the feeling I sometimes experience as I witness what is going on in the world.  I was making a smoothie one morning…and I went to pour it into a mason jar and all of a sudden there was smoothie oozing out everywhere on the counter and I was so confused…so bewildered…it made no sense to me…and it turned out there was a hole in the side of the jar – where the jar had clearly fractured – but I didn’t see it.  And I had this sense that life is like this a lot – things just leaking out in really messy confusing ways and we often don’t understand why or how…how could I be healthy when I went to work and not when I came home to a message from my doctor’s office 9 hours later…how could we have yet one more mass shooting…how can so many innocent civilians be bombed in this horrific way?

We have to settle into being able to sit with and understand these painful experiences – from the personal to the planetary – before being able to see clearly.  Paradoxically there can be a comfort in seeing things clearly.  Oh, it is like this…I am sick.  I can’t think it away or wish it away or practice it away.  I can simply be with it, as best I can.  I can be with this experience.  I can be with this moment.  I can be with myself.  With a quality of care.  With a quality of friendliness.

Sylvia Boorstein says “Fearless is a simple gesture of accepting whatever there is.  This is what’s happening in this moment.  It can’t be other than this.  This is what it is, and that truth is always soothing.”  She also offers a simple yet profound practice for meeting life’s challenging moments, conveyed through the phrase “May I meet this moment fully.  May I meet it as a friend.”

The dictionary defines Befriend as “Act as or become a friend to (someone), especially when they are in need of help or support.”  Befriending is a verb.  It’s an active, engaged process. It’s a practice.  Befriending is a way of being a companion to our experience, and to ourselves.  It has this quality of turning toward, of leaning in, of sitting quietly beside, of listening.  All the qualities of being a good friend.  It is not about the valence of the moment – we can befriend moments that are difficult or delightful…painful or precious or poignant.  True friends sit with us through it all – falling in love, getting cancer, being grumpy or sick, birthdays, botched jobs, family stressors, the birth of a child, aging and dying.  And we can learn to become a true friend to our own heart, accompanying ourself with more patience and kindness in challenging times.  I have taught Mindful Self-Compassion classes for many years where we explore how to welcome ourselves into the circle of our own care.  Kristin Neff, who helped develop the curriculum is a research psychologist at UT Austin and her research shows that over 70% of us are kinder to others than to ourselves.  For many of us, being kind to ourselves is uncharted territory.  The good news is self-kindness and self-compassion are qualities that can be cultivated in each of us.  So whether it comes easily to you or feels inaccessible, it is possible to learn to be kinder to oneself.

The more we practice presence and kindness with ordinary moments, the more robust our capacity to connect with challenging moments.  You might begin with getting cozy with daily life moments like drinking your morning cup of coffee, feeling the warm water as you wash the dinner dishes, savoring the sound of your children laughing.  The more familiar we are with ordinary moments, the more we are able to notice that these moments are sprinkled throughout even the difficult times.  Moments of neutral and even pleasant remain even when things are painful.  They are like little islands of peace to pause on, catch our breath, find our footing, and replenish to keep going.  This is training that allows us to befriend the moment and to befriend ourselves.

See what happens if you invite Sylvia Boorstein’s mantra into your daily life – May I meet this moment fully…may I meet it as a friend.  How does it support you in savoring the precious moments, and surviving the painful moments?  I’d love to hear what you discover.

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Patience and the Possibility of Peace

April 27, 2023

We live in a world where so many things are instantaneously available.  We don’t have to wait for a letter to come in the post – we can send an e-mail.  We don’t have to wait for the library to open to get an answer to our question – we can google it.  We don’t have to wait for the movie to come to the theater, we can jump on Netflix.  But there is no on-demand peace or freedom.  As is often said, “enlightenment is an accident, but (meditation) practice makes us accident prone.”

Mediation teacher Phillip Moffitt has a pithy way of speaking to this – he says “we are practicing practice…not results.”  But most, if not all of us, are practicing results when we meditate – in a sneaky or not so sneaky way – we practice because we want the pain in our knee to go away, or the mind to be quiet, or the heart to settle.  Practicing with the aspiration of more peace and freedom may be helpful and wholesome – but when we want results, when we want life circumstances to change, to be different, to be “better” in some way, there is a tension in that wanting…and we suffer.

The essence of mindfulness is to be with what is here with a relaxed and receptive awareness – the cultivation of a warm and curious relationship with life as it is unfolding.  In practice we are cultivating the conditions that allow for the arising of moments of freedom and peace…but we can’t determine if or when those may show up.

Like a gardener, we prepare the soil and plant seeds, but we are not the ones who determine when those seeds sprout – that depends on conditions (moisture, temperature, sunlight) and the lawfulness of growth.  This meditation practice is lawful…it leads towards more freedom…but it requires patience and presence and practice, a consistent showing up over time.  And the peace is not in external conditions lining up in our favor – the freedom is in the transformation of our own hearts, in the letting go of wishing for things to be different.

In developing a meditation practice, we are inviting ourselves into a radical new way of being in the world.  To reorient from results to relationship.  Rather than pouring our energy into fighting with circumstances, we pour our effort into transforming our relationship with life.  We practice to condition the heart, as Sylvia Boorstein says, “to meet each moment as a friend.” 

This can feel like a big ask, living in a world that constantly tempts us to get something or to get somewhere.  Meditation teacher, Tempel Smith says, we have to come to love practice itself…not the results of practice.  We may want a collected calm mind…but that is not guaranteed…and happiness ultimately is not about achieving any particular state – because all states of mind are impermanent – but in having the capacity to surf the waves of life.

May you be nourished by the beauty that is blooming with the emergence of spring.

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Cultivating Joy in the New Year

January 23, 2023

In beginning a new year, I often reflect not on what resolutions I wish to make, but instead on what quality I might wish to cultivate in the coming months.  Resolutions often focus on what we do, or don’t do.  Qualities typically focus on being, on how we want to relate to others and the world.  2022 was another challenging year for many.  As we turn the corner into 2023, I have been contemplating the cultivation of joy.

We frequently think of joy as a heart quality that is out of reach – as if it needs to be extravagant happiness or exhuberance.  But joy comes in a multitude of forms and flavors, many of them subtle and simple.  And central to joy is cultivating the capacity to be present, to as William Blake says “kiss the joy as it flies” – to not miss the moments of well-being that permeate our days, and even our difficulties, by being here for them.

The delight in beauty as we watch the sparkle of sun through an icicle.

The warmth of gratitude as we appreciate the blessings of a home, clean water, friendship, employment, or health.

The sense of awe as we watch a line of geese arc through the sky, or the brilliant colors of a sunset over the foothills.

The feeling of connection when we smile at a stranger, hug a loved one, or share a meal or a conversation with a friend.

Joy can also arise in dark and difficult moments when we open to suffering with compassion and care.  The joy is not in what is happening, but rather in how we are being with what is happening.  The experience of being present, of being kind, of being in relationship with ourselves and life can give rise to a surprising sense of contentment and well-being.  Whenever we are in relationship, we are less alone – when we have the friendship of our own heart in painful moments, they can be easier to bear.

What qualities might you wish to cultivate in 2023?  What would help foster a sense of well-being in your life?  Compassion?  Calm?  Confidence?  Presence?  Peace?  Courage? Curiosity? As you identify a quality, let it become a compass bearing for your heart this year, an aspiration of how you wish to move through your days.

I will be on sabbatical through April 2023 and will gradually return to teaching in May 2023.  Watch for a newsletter the beginning of May with details about class and meditation offerings for 2023.  In the meantime, below are a few already scheduled dharma offerings for 2023, along with some favorite resources to support your practice and the cultivation of well-being and joy.

Wishing you a restful and nourishing few months, and I look forward to connecting again in late spring.
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Letting Go – The Lessons of Autumn

October 11, 2022

“October is a symphony of permanence and change.” – Bonaro Overstreet

Autumn offers us an opportunity to practice with letting go.  Letting go is not something we do, but rather is coming into harmonious relationship with the change that is happening all around us, right before our eyes.  The garden is dying, the leaves are changing colors and beginning to fall, the days are getting shorter, the temperatures are dropping.

How do you meet the change of seasons and the changes in your life?  With resistance?  With apprehension and fear?  With a longing to hold onto the way things are?  With dread?  With curiosity? With openness?  Fighting change is a source of suffering.  The river of life is flowing and we can find ourselves standing in the current, trying to stop or redirect it.  Clearly an impossibility.  Our efforts at avoiding change are equally implausible and ineffective.

The natural world is one of the best teachers of how to be with change.  The trees are not trying to hold onto their leaves.  The squirrels and geese are not trying to hold onto the sunlight.  We too are part of this larger ecosystem that ebbs and flows, that flowers and goes dormant, that lives and dies.  When we tune into the rhythms of the season, we are gifted this precious opportunity to watch and welcome endings, to open to letting go, to practice dying. Inspired by a favorite poem, Learning from Trees by Grace Butcher, I’ve been sitting with trees and inviting them to teach me how to more gracefully be with the stream of impermanence.  Trees model how to stay rooted as things fall away.  What might your favorite tree teach you?

A second impermanence practice to potentially explore on these warm fall days is to sit outside (or if you are so moved, to lay on the ground) and sky gaze.  With a wide soft gaze watch the world unfold before your eyes – birds soaring through, airplanes flying by, butterflies and insects fluttering along, leaves whispering in the breeze, cloud formations coalescing and dissolving.  All this activity comes and goes without leaving a mark.  This offers a rich model for relating to the activity of the ever-changing mind – seeing the arising and passing of thoughts with gentle attention.  We so often take our thoughts to be solid, reliable, permanent.  We build ideas, plans, dreams, identities, whole lives on thoughts…and yet, they are more like clouds than concrete.  When we see the transient nature of thoughts more clearly, we can begin to experience the peace of the sky of mind that remains untouched by the thought storms.

I invite you to open to what arises in you in response to change – to more deeply know your own mind and heart and how it relates to the inconstant changing flow of life.  If you are seeking community in which to deepen your exploration of befriending change and working with the external and internal weather systems of life, please feel warmly invited to join any of the offerings listed below, including the regular Wednesday drop-in meditation group 12-1 pm MST.

Wishing you a peaceful transition of seasons and a graceful dance with change in your life.
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Coming into Relationship with Grief

July 11, 2022

We live on a fulcrum of love and loss in these tenuous times.  The impact of greed, hatred and delusion is evident every time we turn on the news.  Sometimes it feels like my practice has become centered on the inquiry, how do I live in this world? – Particularly in light of what is happening to the Earth – heat domes, wildfires, extreme weather, species extinction, habitat destruction, aridification of land, growing conflict over water resources.   How do we live in this world? – with all the tenderness and all the tragedy?  With all the mystery and magnificence?

Through the wisdom of both Buddhist practice and psychology, we are offered an amazing map for how to live in this world in a way that allows us to meet the social and ecological crises of our times with a flexible and resilient heart.

Resilience – the capacity for return or recovery amidst adversity or change – is bolstered when we can find ways to regularly nourish our spirits.  A simple daily practice that I have adopted from a fellow ecochaplain is reflecting on What is beautiful in my life today?  Our minds are wired with a negativity bias that orients us toward danger and what is wrong.  This simple question can redirect attention toward that which is nourishing.  It opens up a space for both/and in our minds and hearts. Life is uncertain and the birdsong is beautiful.   Opening to the beauty can open the heart to a sense of appreciation and affection for the birds and the world they live in, which is not separate from the world in which we live.  A sense of love may then arise; a wider care for the world.  When we are resourced by love, we are more able to then open to the loss.

Learning to grieve is also a part of how we live in and with this world right now.

Grief is often talked about as if it were a singular emotion – but grief is a multi-faceted, multidimensional experience of body, mind and heart that is complex and ongoing.  It can include sadness, heartbreak, anxiety, fear, anger, overwhelm, helplessness, hopelessness, despair, denial, sorrow, depression, guilt, regret, disappointment, pain, anguish, relief, acceptance, hope, and meaning making.  Grief is not just one thing, and it’s not just one end of the emotional spectrum.

Grief is not something we get over, or beyond, or through – it is something we learn to accompany.  We come into relationship with grief, and with ourself as the one who is grieving.  One of my favorite lines from a poem, The Cure, by Albert Huffstickler says “That’s what we’re looking for:  not the end of a thing but for the shape of it.”  What is the shape of all the loss and love in life?  How does grief fit into life? How does loss fit into life?  How does what is happening to the Earth fit into life?

We can meet this crumbling life – one breath, one heartbeat at a time.   As Joanna Macy says, we can “walk in beauty and bewilderment” – and I might add “bereavement.”  We are invited to meet the world with open eyes and an open heart – to take it all in – the goodness, the grace, and the grief.

Take good care and may beauty offer a buoyancy to your life when grief weighs on your heart.
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Gratitude as a Relational Practice

February 27, 2022

With all that continues to unfold in the world, many of us are feeling tender-hearted – hurt, scared, sad, angry.  This tenderness arises from being awake, being aware.  Krishnamurti wrote that “to pay attention means we care, which means we really love.” The heartbreak, the uneasy feelings, are not a mistake.  When we pay attention and allow ourselves to be touched by life, our hearts become more open and engaged.

One of the practices that naturally opens the heart is gratitude.  Lately, I have been reflecting on the ways that gratitude is a profoundly relational practice.  When we are grateful, we often are touching into a sense of our interconnectedness, into the generosity of others or the world – the gift of clean water, sunshine, a smile, good food, the clothing someone made.  Gratitude is only superficially for tangible things – it is most profoundly an acknowledgement of our vulnerability and our belonging to this life.

As I ate dinner the other night, I reflected on how the bowl of farm veggie soup before me contained the whole of the universe – sun, soil, seeds, worms, bees and other pollinators, water, wind, human love and labor, the gift of recipes handed down, and all the resources and energy and ingenuity that went into making and maintaining the farm equipment, the home I cook and eat in, the dishes I eat upon…the circle expanded outward to touch the web of all life.  This bowl was a gift, and not one I came, or could come by, alone.  We so often get lost in the illusion of separateness, independence and self-sufficiency.

Appreciation reflects an awareness of the human and natural ecosystems that allow for well-being, for life.  Our wholeness is intertwined with the health and happiness of the entire world.  This is why we feel tender when we see suffering in Ukraine or in the arctic.  When some part of the whole is not well, we are not well.

Through the practice of gratitude, we can explore being in relationship with life, drinking in the nourishment of beauty, connection, and appreciation, as a counterbalance to the griefs of these times.  If exploring this practice interests you, I have added a new short guided meditation on The Grateful Heart to my website as a gift to you.

And if having a greater sense of relationship with community would be a support to you in the coming weeks, you are always welcome to join my Wednesday lunchtime drop-in meditation, an upcoming class or retreat (details below).

Wishing you moments of appreciation and beauty to nourish and steady your spirit.  Feel free to reach out and share your own reflections on gratitude – I always welcome your heartfelt sharing.

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Resourcing and Resiliency in the Face of the Fires

January 13, 2022

These last two weeks have been so difficult – for so many.  The fire element is both a good friend – it provides light, heat, a hearth to gather around.  And as we all so painfully experienced just before the new year, it is a formidable force that under the right – or wrong – conditions can cause unbelievable damage.  Many of you, like me, are probably in shock from the Marshall Fire.

Some of you may have lost your homes or are returning to homes or neighborhoods that are damaged.  Some may know those who have been directly affected.  Some may have escaped direct damage and are yearning to help.  Some of you may be trembling with fear or aching with the pain of what is happening here and on the planet.  In each of these situations, a whole range of feelings might be present:  shock, grief, loss, fear, anger, confusion, despair, helplessness, hopelessness, overwhelm, guilt, relief, gratitude…all feelings are natural, normal, appropriate…in response to an event like this, it all belongs.  There is no right way to experience a natural disaster…just your way…and that way may change moment to moment, day by day.

All of us have been impacted by this community level event/trauma.  Trauma in simple terms can be thought of as what happens when “there is either too much too soon, too much for too long, or not enough for too long.” (Duros & Crowley, 2014).  This was definitely too much too soon – nested in the last few years of too much/not enough for too long.  There is a lot of stress in our systems.  A distinguishing element of trauma is that we typically have no choice about what is happening to us or around us.

When we reach a state of overwhelm, we often can’t make decisions well and navigating day to day responsibilities can feel like too much.  We can’t back our way out of overwhelm – it is important to rest, resource ourselves, and build resiliency.  It can help to simplify where we can, focus on ways to stabilize the nervous system, and to seek support through connection and community.

• Rest:  There is often so much to do to recover, individually and collectively, from a natural disaster.  Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint.  Separate what is in your control from what is not. There are things you can do, and it’s helpful to focus on the immediate task before you in any given moment. Make that one phone call you can make to the insurance company. Take your vitamins.  Take frequent breaks from cleanup efforts.  Pause to have a snack, to rest or stretch the body, to call a friend.
• Resourcing:  Trauma activation/overwhelm often takes us into the past or future.  The physical body always inhabits the present and thus can be an ally in re-grounding when overwhelmed.  Take frequent moments to pause and stabilize – to feel your body in space, to feel the soles of your feet on the ground, to look around you and notice the colors in the room, to hear the sounds of the traffic and the birds, to take a breath.
• Resiliency: The human heart and nervous system can heal from disaster.  However, we cannot rebuild our lives and our community alone.  We need each other.  If you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed or scared, share your feelings with a friend or a professional.  If you are feeling resourced, reach out and check in on a friend or neighbor.  Remember that folks will likely still need support months, and even years, from now after such a significant loss.

I have also compiled a webpage of resources on how to care for your emotional well-being in response to the fires, including information about how to support children, as well as community resources for counseling, logistical support, and ways to help.  You can also access a recording of a recent talk I gave on 1/4/2022 entitled Home:  Finding refuge amidst the rubble, which offers additional support for tending the nervous system in the wake of the fires, along with suggestions for modifying your meditation practice in times of crisis.  Please feel free to share this information with anyone you feel could benefit from it.

If having a greater sense of community would be a support to you in the coming weeks, you are always welcome to join my Wednesday lunchtime drop-in meditation or upcoming classes.  I am offering a free 3-session drop-in group for those impacted by the fires that will focus on resourcing and resiliency (details below).

Wishing you moments of peace, ease and beauty that help resource you for the long process of rebuilding.  Take good care of yourself and each other.  Together our community will heal.

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Working Mindfully with Anxiety 

September, 2021

As I have sat with folks these past few weeks, I have heard both fatigue and anxiety arising in response to the enduring challenges facing our world right now.  In 2019 the U.S. Census Bureau reported that 8 percent of U.S. adults screened positive for generalized anxiety disorder; by May 2020, the percentage had jumped to almost 30 percent.  Worry is often the response to anxiety – many of us are wandering through the world these days with a low (or high!) level of hypervigilance – ruminating on “what next” or “what if.”  Our minds grab onto the all too available bad news that shows up in our inbox or on our television on a daily basis.

Worrying can easily become a deep groove in the mind.  Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Judson Brewer, M.D., Ph.D., has reframed anxiety as a habit.  As we know from mindfulness, we are what we practice.  These days many of us are getting a lot of practice being anxious.  Habits involve a feedback loop where a stimulus is met with a response and yields a reward.  In the case of the habit of anxiety, we are faced with something perceived as threatening – COVID, extreme weather events, uncertainty about our employment – this is the stimulus.  Our nervous system likes to take action.  The action we can take is to worry – this is the response.  And while it is not typically effective and can’t fix the situation or protect us from the threat, it feels like we are doing something and offers the illusion of control – this is the reward.  This typically leads to more anxiety.  We can become caught on the hamster wheel of worry, which doesn’t bring us what we are seeking, which is relief, a sense of peace and freedom from fear.

So how can we cultivate resilience and as stable presence as possible in the face of what seems often like endless uncertainty?  Frequently, we try to tell ourselves to just stop worrying which doesn’t work.  We can’t think our way out of anxiety.  Instead it helps to tend to our nervous system.  Here are three micro-practices that you can try in daily life when you are feeling anxious to invite in a quality of grounding.

• 3 breaths practice – Deep breathing helps flip the switch from your sympathetic (fight/flight/freeze) nervous system to your parasympathetic (the relaxed) nervous system.

• Find your breath in your body where it is most obvious to you…In three breaths, notice the feeling of your breath from the very beginning of your inbreath, to the very end of your outbreath…even noticing the little place where your inbreath turns into your outbreath…and the still quiet place at the end of your outbreath…

 

• Soles of the feet  – Get out of your head for a few minutes to soften rumination.

• This is an informal practice you can do anytime, anywhere.  Sometimes it helps to do it without shoes – so can really feel floor beneath your feet.  Notice the feel of the floor – hard…soft…cushiony…warm…cold.  Stretch out your toes.  Rock side to side a bit – notice as weight shifts.  Circle your knees.  Bring full attention to movement of body and the physical sensations in your feet.  You might begin to walk around a bit – notice movement of leg through space with each step, the shifting of your weight.  Take a few steps without trying to get anywhere…just feel of your feet against the floor…touch, texture, pressure.  Be curious.  Maybe take a moment to express some gratitude for your feet, aware of what your feet do for you.

 

• A moment for me  – Rather than plowing through your anxiety, take a few moments to meet your anxiety and yourself with kindness and experience the benefit of being a good friend to yourself in difficult moments.

• Step 1: Acknowledge you are feeling some anxiety.  “This is hard…I am really feeling scared…this is overwhelming.” 
• Step 2 – Acknowledge common humanity, recognizing that you are not the only one.  “What I am experiencing is something we all experience.  These are uncertain times.  We all feel it.  I am not alone.  Lots of people are afraid these days.”
• Step 3 – Offer yourself some kindness, perhaps thinking about what might you say to a friend who was anxious.  Something like “May I be safe.  May I be free from fear.  May I find courage to face this moment.  This won’t be forever.  This will pass.”  So

When our nervous system is more settled, we can work with shifting the habit of anxiety.  Brewer invites us to cultivate a habit of curiosity as one antidote.  Curiosity offers its own sense of reward and doesn’t’ fuel further anxiety.  You can check out his team’s Unwinding Anxiety app here for support.

If having a greater sense of community would be a support to you in the coming weeks, you are always welcome to join my Wednesday lunchtime drop-in meditation or upcoming 4-week class women’s meditation class or 6-week Mindful Self-Compassion class(details below).

Wishing you ease of mind in the midst of this complicated and vulnerable precious human life.

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Tending the Nervous System in Response to Traumatic Loss

April 5, 2021

I hope you are finding ways to take good care of yourself in these difficult times.  The past two weeks I have been sitting with so many who have been impacted by the shooting at King Soopers in Boulder.  Some are grieving the loss of someone they knew and loved.  Some are feeling the heartache of gun violence in our country as the Boulder shooting is nested amongst the shootings in Atlanta, Virginia and California.  Some are afraid to go to the grocery store.  Some are feeling a sense of overwhelm as previous traumas and losses have been triggered.

In times like these, it can be compassionate and skillful to listen to and attend to our nervous system with care.  When we reach a state of overwhelm, we often can’t make decisions well and navigating day to day responsibilities can feel like too much.  We can’t back our way out of overwhelm – in these moments, it is essential that we pause to offer support to calm the nervous system.  What brings you back to a sense of safety, settling, stability, comfort or reassurance?  It might be pausing for a few breaths, or feeling the soles of your feet on the earth, going for a walk, petting your dog or cat, curling up with a good book, taking a bath, calling a friend, making a cup of tea, taking a nap.  These gestures of tactile comfort and behavioral self-compassion help soothe emotional activation.

Trauma activation often takes us into the past or future.  The physical body always inhabits the present and thus can be a direct pathway into the moment and an ally in re-grounding when overwhelmed.  A simple practice called 5-4-3-2-1 redirects your focus to the physical senses – in this practice, you are invited to pause, take a breath, and name 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, 5 neutral sensations you can feel in the body.  You can continue, naming 4 things you can see/hear/sense, then 3, then 2, then 1.  You can also add in smell and taste if you wish.  There is an expanded description and a guided version of this practice here.  Once grounded again, the nervous system is better resourced to engage with the challenges of daily life with more capacity and curiosity.

Trauma can be thought of as what happens to someone when “there is either too much too soon, too much for too long, or not enough for too long.” (Duros & Crowley, 2014).  A distinguishing element of trauma is that we typically have no choice about what is happening to us or around us.  So, finding ways to invite choice into our daily life and our meditation practice in simple ways can be empowering and can offer a sense of agency as we navigate the disturbance and disorientation internally and externally.

I know that many of you find support in your meditation practice.  During times of crisis, it is not uncommon to feel like meditation is “no longer working” or not working as well.  If this is the case, I encourage you to experiment and to give yourself choices in your practice.  Do you want to practice with eyes open or closed?  Might you prefer a moving meditation rather than sitting – perhaps walking meditation or some gentle yoga or tai chi?  You may find it helpful to select a different anchor other than the breath – something like soles of the feet, hands, or butt on the chair.  It might be that metta or compassion practice is what is most comforting. Or perhaps you can sit for shorter periods of time, or focus on informal practice.  Keep considering What works for me? in any given moment of your practice, and allow for flexibility and choice. There is no right way to practice.

I have also compiled a webpage of resources on how to care for your emotional well-being in response to trauma and gun violence, including information about how to support children and youth, as well as community resources for counseling.  If having a greater sense of community would be a support to you in the coming weeks, you are always welcome to join my free Wednesday lunchtime drop-in meditation or upcoming 4-week class (details below).

Wishing you ease in the midst of this complicated and vulnerable precious human life.

Warmly,
Jean

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Grief & Gratitude

December 22, 2020

What a year it has been.  While the difficulties stand out in sharp relief for many of us, today I am reflecting on the many moments of sparkling beauty amidst the tears and fears.  From the small acts of kindness like shopping for more vulnerable neighbors or feeding the homeless a nourishing lunch, to the heroic efforts of first responders in the hospitals and firefighters across the west.

We often think of joy and sorrow as opposite ends of a spectrum, when instead they often travel together hand in hand.  Like that feeling of a good friend sitting with you as you grieve – there is deep sadness wrapped in the warmth of the care and connection of the relationship in that moment.  This year has certainly been a manifestation of “the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows” that Buddhism speaks of.  Many of you have weathered significant losses (of loved ones, health, jobs, income, freedom to move freely in the world, and beloved landscapes to fires or hurricanes…) – and many of you have shared surprising joys (opportunities to connect with old and new friends over zoom, the adventure of exploring your own neighborhood, and a blossoming of gratitude for health, home and loved ones.)

This year has invited repeated letting go – of plans, expectations, ideas.  Many of us have had to stretch our comfort zone this year to include the unexpected.  Rather that hanging our happiness on things going our way – either “I get _________ (fill in the blank) or I won’t be happy” – many have been learning the valuable lesson of “it’s like this” and how might peace still be possible?  Our happiness comes from how we relate to the moment.  Thankfully we can experience moments of peace in the midst of chaos, sparkles of joy in the face of grief, contentment in the presence of confusion.  The psychological flexibility that meditation helps foster allows us to meet life from this “both/and” stance rather than “either/or,” offering more freedom and resilience in the face of difficulties.

I am deeply grateful for each of you.  My life has been touched and enriched by so many of you this year – through the connection in the Wednesday drop-in meditations, classes, e-mails, and just knowing that you are out there in the world holding an intention and an interest in more kindness and presence.  Thank you for being part of the inspiration that helps me hold a both/and perspective.

May you know a sense of connection and belonging this holiday season.  May you and your loved ones be blessed with health, ease and peace with the turning of the new year.

I look forward to continuing to build community with you in 2021.

Warmly,
Jean

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Meeting Uncertainty with Balanced Non-Reactive Presence

October 18, 2020

As I have talked with clients, students, friends, neighbors and family these past weeks, it is clear that many are feeling a deep sense of growing fatigue due to COVID, the political instability, the social unrest, and the impacts of the climate crisis. People are expressing weariness from working online, juggling work and homeschooling, loneliness and longing for face to face connection with family and friends, and heartbreak about the wildfires and frustration due to having activities limited by air quality.  With so much uncertainty and stress at this time, many are finding themselves feeling exhausted, anxious, distressed, and more reactive.

Under these conditions, self-care becomes more important than ever.  It can be challenging to find our center in the midst of the stress storms.  Cultivation of equanimity, a more balanced awareness and a non-reactive presence, can be a tremendous resource at times like these.  As Kamala Masters says (adapting from Howard Thurman), equanimity is “seeing the world with soft eyes.”  Life is a series of ever-changing winds of fortune and cultivating the capacity to surf the winds of change is a very useful survival skill.  Equanimity is not detachment or indifference.  Developing a calmer more rested heart allows us to see more clearly and to respond more skillfully to daily demands.  Equanimity invites a sense of resilience and balance that allows us to stay engaged.  We bring a quality of gentleness to how we meet change and challenge, and lean into life, just as it is.

So how can we care for ourselves in these turbulent times?  Here are a few concrete ideas you may wish to explore:

REST & BEHAVIORAL SELF-COMPASSION – Under stress, making sure we are tending to the body as best we can is very important – getting adequate sleep, eating well, maintaining a regular schedule, moving the body and connecting with others is important.  Many of us are facing extra demands on our time (e.g. working full time while trying to support kids with virtual learning) – finding even small pockets to pause, breathe, and rest – our eyes, our minds, our bodies, our spirits – be can be so helpful.  Take a tea break, go for a walk, call a friend, watch a funny sitcom, take 10 minutes to stretch or do a mini yoga class.  Do something that feeds your spirit and cares for your physical body.  Here is a nice chart of ideas for Self-Care for Resilience from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and a handout on Building and Engaging Resilience from the FOH EAP Program.

TAKE A MEDIA/COMPUTER VACATION:  For me, taking time off each week from the computer and the news has become essential.  I try to refrain from being online each weekend as much as possible as a way of giving my eyes and my nervous system a rest.  Living life mediated through a screen places extra demands on the nervous system – biologically, it is more exhausting to work remotely.  The majority of our communication is non-verbal – with about 7% of information coming from words, 38% through tone of voice, and 55% from body language.  Interacting online we lose a lot, and the brain is working hard to translate the more limited information we are receiving, often from an image of someone just from the neck up.  Our eyes, nervous systems and bodies need a break and the chance to replenish by interacting with the tangible, tactile world.

FIND YOUR INNER MOUNTAIN.  Finding our center is a bit like finding our inner mountain.  A mountain is solid, stable, enduring all kinds of weather, while remaining steady, unmovable, and resilient.  You can practice this informally by feeling your feet grounded on the earth, or you might call to mind an image or a felt sense of a mountain (maybe a particular mountain, maybe a stretch of trail you love, maybe a rock or a patch of earth where you could rest).  Some people find it helpful to literally go outside and look at the mountains or the earth where you live, or to even lie down on the ground for a few minutes.  Slow down, take a few deep breaths, and let the earth help you contact a sense of inner stillness, stability, or grounding.

PRACTICE CULTIVATING EQUANIMITY.   Another way to cultivate a sense of non-reactive presence is through the use of a simple phrase or mantra when meeting difficult moments.  It’s a way of inviting life in, of letting go of the struggle, the wanting things to be different.  It is as Tara Brach says, a way of saying “this belongs.”  Some phrases that can help incline our minds and hearts in the direction of more acceptance, peace and ease are:

• “It’s like this.”
• “This too.”
• “And this.”
• “This belongs.”
• “May I accept the way things are.”
• “Yes”
• “This is how it is right now.”

TRY MEDITATION:  Taking time out to simply be present can be deeply restorative for the anxious exhausted nervous system.  My gift to you this month is a 30-minute mediation that combines the inner mountain with equanimity phrases in a guided practice.  You can find it here.

SEEK OUT INSPIRATION & TUNE INTO GOOD NEWS:  The upcoming Global Vision Summit with the Dalai Lama might be of interest to you.  Or check out https://www.karunavirus.org/, a website that offers inspiring and uplifting news stories.

This list is just a beginning of ways to tend and befriend yourself in these difficult times.  I would love to hear what is helping you get through each day.  And if a deeper dive into any of these topics might be of interest to you, I am teaching a women’s daylong meditation retreat Saturday October 24^th, and will be offering one more 4-week class this year beginning in November.  I am excited to begin teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Short Course online in January (details below).

Take good care and I wish you an autumn sprinkled with moments of peace and ease.

Warmly,
Jean
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Action Alleviates Anxiety

September 1, 2020

Reflections on wise and compassionate action in response to racism

June 23, 2020

Self-care in Quarantine

April 30, 2020

Beauty in the midst of COVID

April 14, 2020

What You Can Do to Care for Yourself in the Face of Uncertainty

March 20, 2020